What am I supposed to do on Earth?
by Fantasmagorie
Summary: COMPLETE! A sequel to : What am I supposed to do in Thirteen Hours! Hilarity and Jareth have become firm friends and Scrabble buddies but everything changes when he asks her to help him win Sarah's heart. R&R please. Contains mild swearing.
1. Good news and bad news

What am I supposed to do on Earth?!? - A sequel to : What am I supposed to do in  
  
Thirteen Hours!  
  
Here is the sequel. It's a bit of a rushed job because I had to write a very long and  
  
depressing essay on the Cold War along with having to visit a new arrival in the  
  
family and have dinner with my granny and her insane friends. Enjoy!  
  
Chapter 1 - Good news and bad news  
  
Hilarity paced impatiently back and forth across the open plan kitchen floor of her tiny  
  
apartment. Compared to the living quarters of Earth it was huge but on the planet Zea  
  
IV it was very small and her earnings were below average and her ship was third hand  
  
and unreliable. Her living conditions were still beyond any Earthling's wildest dreams.  
  
She made some tea to calm her nerves, always keeping one eye on the screen of the  
  
household computer which nearly filled up the entire north wall of her living room.  
  
Why was the mail so late? And on today of all days. She knew that as soon as she  
  
went to the toilet or left the flat it would come. Damn Sod's law, always complicating  
  
her life. She decided to try out this theory of hers and made her way to the bathroom.  
  
As soon as she closed the door she heard the familiar beep of an incoming message  
  
from the next room and rushed to see what it was.  
  
"Incoming message." said the emotionless voice of ZEMAC (Zean Electronically  
  
Manufactured All purpose Computer) how could it sound so indifferent on such an  
  
exciting day "Do you accept message?"  
  
"Yes." said Hilarity, shaking slightly.  
  
"Sender: Omlaphodes University. Subject: Exam Results. Content: Dear Applicant,  
  
We are delighted to give you your results for the end of year Exams taken on the 30th  
  
of Pyrolacea 4518. Your results are : Interstellar literature - A1, Astro Physics - A1,  
  
Modern Foreign Languages - A2, Music and Music History - A1*"  
  
Hilarity was dumbfounded. She had done it! She had actually done it! She had even  
  
excelled at Modern Foreign Languages which was her worst subject. She grabbed the  
  
arm of a chair to steady herself, she couldn't believe it. For a moment it looked like  
  
she was going to cry.   
  
"ZEMAC!" she cried suddenly "Forward that last message to everyone in my address  
  
book with the following message : Get a load of this guys! Ahhhhh!" she had to spell  
  
out the last word because ZEMAC did not understand "Now put some music on,  
  
please. I'm in the mood for some James Brown."  
  
The music blared out of every speaker in the apartment. So loud that it almost broke  
  
through the soundproofed walls. Hilarity started dancing like a crazed idiot. She did  
  
this for three whole minutes noticing the sinister figure that had appeared behind her  
  
until it turned off the deafening music.  
  
"Well, the music was good but the choreography left a lot to be desired." said the  
  
intruder with a slight smirk. Hilarity looked up. It was Jareth the Goblin King who for  
  
some reason had become her best friend and Scrabble buddy.  
  
"Oh bloody hell, must you always come over when I'm making a prat of myself." said  
  
Hilarity who was slightly embarrassed but too happy to care.  
  
"Yes. It's so much more fun that way." said Jareth, jokingly.  
  
"Sorry, I forgot you were coming. I've been so wound up about my exam results lately  
  
I didn't have time to plan anything."  
  
Jareth eyed the results that were still displayed on the screen. "Well done. This calls  
  
for a celebration. Let me take you out to dinner, anywhere you want."  
  
"Really! Wow, that's strangely generous of you. Who are you and what have you done  
  
with Jareth?" she teased.  
  
"I'm serious."  
  
"What are you planning? You only offer people things when you want them to do  
  
something for you."  
  
"I just thought we should do something special to celebrate instead of getting drunk  
  
and going Dutch over a curry like we usually do."  
  
"You're up to something. I know it because you never treat people to anything.  
  
Honestly Jareth, you're tighter than your own trousers!"  
  
"You know me too well." smiled Jareth. "Remember when we first met, you said  
  
you'd help me when I decided to get my life sorted out."  
  
"Yeeeessss...." Hilarity droned suspiciously.  
  
"Well, I've decided. I'm going to try and win Sarah's heart."  
  
"And you want my help. I knew I'd regret making that promise one day. Of all the  
  
things to come back and bite me in the arse!"  
  
"I need you to go to Earth and win her confidence."   
  
"Earth! What am I supposed to do on Earth?!?" cried Hilarity "It's a third world planet.  
  
I'll never survive there."  
  
"It's no different to the Labyrinth. And besides they have an infinite supply of meat  
  
products." he said enticingly. Hilarity looked tempted.  
  
"I can't. Trin's staying over for the summer."  
  
"Bring him along then. It shouldn't take too long. And you've always said that you  
  
want to get out and see the universe."  
  
Hilarity sighed "Fine! I'll do it but you owe me, big time." she slumped down on the  
  
sofa and they began their plan of action... 


	2. The Phone Call

Chapter 2 - The Phone Call  
  
******  
  
Disclaimer - I do not own any Earthlings or Labyrinth dwellers. Please do not sue me.  
  
******  
  
Hilarity entered the three hundred storey building that belonged to Interstellar Contact  
  
Inc. The company had been formed nearly four hundred Zean years ago after its  
  
founder discovered a way of sending microwave signals via the eleventh dimension.  
  
This allowed people to contact any other planet in the universe instantly and at a  
  
modest price. She arrived at the reception desk.  
  
"Hello and welcome to IC Incorporated." said the cheerful yet rather annoying woman  
  
behind the desk "How may I help you?"  
  
"I'd like to contact Earth by phone, please." said Hilarity resisting an overwhelming  
  
urge to punch some cracks in her sixteen layers of overly orange foundation.  
  
"Oh, that's rather unusual isn't it young lady." said the receptionist patronisingly  
  
"Could you point it out on the map please?" she pressed a button on the desk which  
  
projected a miniature hologram of the galaxy at Hilarity's eye level. She examined the  
  
sparkling disk for a moment then pointed to a dim little star about two thirds away  
  
from the centre. The hologram changed to a close up of the solar system she wanted  
  
so she indicated a small blue/green planet with a single moon.   
  
"Pretty looking place isn't it?" the receptionist exclaimed. She read the lable that had  
  
appeared on the plant. "You need to go up to floor 261 room 45. You will find booths  
  
for each continent, each one containing it's own local directory. That'll be twenty Zean  
  
Dollars please."  
  
"Twenty! That's daylight robbery!"  
  
"No pay, no way."  
  
"Fine." grumbled Hilarity and fiddled with the catch on her bag, coughed up and  
  
stormed off.  
  
"Would you like to receive one of our points cards." the receptionist called after her.  
  
"No, I would not!" she yelled back.  
  
******  
  
She eventually found the right room. The building's layout was so complicated it was  
  
like a Labyrinth in itself. The room contained several rows of bright red phone booths  
  
identical to the ones in London. Hilarity recognised them from the back of one her  
  
David Bowie albums. The company must have thought it would be a good gimmick to  
  
recreate the communication devices from each planet. She stepped into one of them  
  
and spluttered as she disturbed a cloud of dust. Anxious to get away from these  
  
unhygienic surroundings, she quickly looked up the number she wanted and dialled,  
  
rehearsing what she had to say in her head as the phone on the other side began to  
  
ring.  
  
"Hello, Williams' residence." said a man's voice.  
  
"Hi, I'm calling about the child-minding job."  
  
"Oh, wonderful. It's about time we got an applicant. You're the first person whose  
  
replied."   
  
Hilarity sighed. That must've been Jareth's doing. "Well here I am." she said weakly.  
  
"So could you tell me something about yourself, miss....?"  
  
Oh Damn it! She'd forgotten to give herself a surname. She couldn't use her real one,  
  
Freak meant something totally different on Earth. She mentally scanned her Earth  
  
record collection for ideas. Lennon....no, Holiday....good God, no....Bowie....definitely  
  
not....  
  
"Dvorak!" she blurted out suddenly "Hilarity Dvorak, it's spelt D-V-O-R-A-K but it's  
  
pronounced Vor-jak!" Stupid, stupid, stupid!  
  
"So could you tell me about your history?"  
  
"Yes, of course." she said trying to stay calm "I'm from Britain but my father's  
  
Slovakian. I've recently graduated from Brighton University and I spent a year  
  
teaching English in a primary school in Madagascar. I then worked as an au-pair for a  
  
family in Brighton and I've helped to look after the kids in my overly extended  
  
family." she paused to get her breath back.  
  
"Wow, that's amazing!" said the voice "Why the hell would you want to come to New  
  
Hampshire?"  
  
Hilarity panicked again "Well, I ... er..."  
  
"Only joking. Come for an interview...." they chatted for a while and arranged a  
  
convenient time. Hilarity wrote down the address and hung up.  
  
"Bravo!" said a voice by her ear as she was about to leave the room. She turned to see  
  
Jareth inside one of the booths.  
  
"Hiya Ziggy!" she joked. "What a nightmare! I nearly blew it!"  
  
"You were fine." he said encouragingly.  
  
"This would be so much easier if you just went up to this girl and said "Hi Sarah. I'm  
  
very sorry I caused you so much grief. Will you go out with me?" and that would be  
  
then end of it."  
  
"When's you're interview?"  
  
"In about 48 hours."  
  
"Better get going then." he disappeared... 


	3. Waifs and Strays

Chapter 3 - Waifs and Strays  
  
******  
  
Disclaimer - I only own the aliens. They're locked in my secret lab.  
  
******  
  
"So, refresh my memory again." said Trin looking out of the ship's window at the inky  
  
nothingness of space "Where are we going?"  
  
"Earth." replied Hilarity. Why had she agreed to bring him along?  
  
"What is your obsession with that dismal little planet? I know they've got a good  
  
music industry but everything else is unbelievably boring."  
  
"I think its quite charming in a primitive way." Hilarity sniffed. "Besides, I've got to  
  
go to do someone a favour."  
  
"For who?" asked Trin suspiciously. Hilarity thought she might as well tell the truth  
  
this time.  
  
"For Jareth." she instantly regretted it.  
  
"Oh bloody hell, Hilarity! How can you run errands for that git after what he did to  
  
us."  
  
"He's all right once you get to know him." said Hilarity calmly.  
  
"I've only got three words that describe your life. "Waifs and strays" You meet a  
  
bunch of weirdoes, you feel sorry for them and suddenly they're your best friends. It's  
  
the same reason why you're so interested in miserable little planets that no one in their  
  
right mind would visit."  
  
"Well, excuse me for having a little faith in people. Deep down all beings are  
  
generally good."  
  
"Only in that happy little place inside you're brain." Trin was being very hurtful now.  
  
Hilarity was going to argue further but decided to change tactics.  
  
"It's not too late for me to drop you off at that accounting seminar with your mum you  
  
know." she threatened. It seemed to work.  
  
"Sorry." moaned Trin "It's just that man really freaks me out." They few on in silence  
  
for a few hours. "So what's the exchange rate for Earth?" asked Trin, changing the  
  
subject.  
  
"One Zean dollar is worth about a hundred thousand US dollars I think."  
  
"Whoa! They really are poor!"  
  
******  
  
Sarah was sulking in her room. No one had bothered to tell her about her father taking  
  
on extra hours at work or that they were hiring a child-minder. She didn't want a  
  
complete stranger staying in the house and telling her what to do. It felt like both her  
  
parents had been replaced by impostors. The doorbell rang. It must be her. She wasn't  
  
going to meet her though. Not until she had to.  
  
******  
  
Hilarity had found the house reasonably quickly after making a rather wobbly landing  
  
in a nearby park and leaving Trin to guard to ship. She wasn't sure if this was the best  
  
plan but she was already late and had to make a dash for it. She eyed the rose bush in  
  
the Williams' front garden. Good God! It looked awful! She fought the urge to find  
  
some shears and plant food. Instead she braced herself and rang the doorbell.  
  
******  
  
"Sarah! Come downstairs please and bring Toby." she heard her father call. She  
  
obeyed but made a point of being very slow about it. Unlike her, Toby seemed to be  
  
very exited about getting a nanny and he had been gabbing happily about it all day.  
  
"Guys, I'd like to introduce you to miss Dvorak." said her father as she arrived in the  
  
hallway. "These are my children Sarah and Toby."  
  
"Hi," said Hilarity nervously. The wallpaper had caught her off guard. No one had told  
  
her there would be chintz.  
  
"Are you my nanny?" said Toby delightedly.  
  
"Hopefully." said Hilarity.  
  
"Can you do magic like Mary Poppins?"  
  
"I can do lots of things." Hilarity winked.  
  
Sarah stared at the new arrival with amazement. She was nearly seven feet tall and  
  
towered above her father. Her body vividly reminded her of a lamppost and her arms  
  
and legs were unsettlingly long and skinny. As for her eyes, they were bright purple  
  
which was strange enough but when she had winked at her brother, Sarah could have  
  
sworn that they flashed green for second. She spoke with a slight cockney twang but  
  
her voice was soft and dreamy, a bit like her own.  
  
"Hello Sarah," said Hilarity.  
  
"Hi." she said uneasily "Sorry I didn't quite catch you're name."  
  
"Hilarity Fr- ....Dvorak." that was close.  
  
"Wow, I'd hate to have you're parents."  
  
"I know, its a crappy name isn't it. I prefer to be called Hilarity. Miss Vooorjak sounds  
  
a bit like a vacuum cleaner." Hilarity joked.  
  
Just then Merlin sneaked in through the open door and started barking uncontrollably.  
  
There was an impostor in the house. Hilarity knelt down and looked him in the face.  
  
"Now, that's no way to treat a visitor." Merlin bowed his head as if in shame "No  
  
probs, apology accepted. Lets shake on it." she held out her hand and Merlin placed  
  
his paw on it. The three humans gasped. No one had ever been able to train the dog  
  
before, in such a short time. Hilarity stood up and smiled at Toby "I bet Mary Poppins  
  
couldn't do that." she said. 


	4. Handbags at Dawn

Chapter 4 - Handbags at Dawn  
  
******  
  
Disclaimer - The only characters I own are Hilarity and Trin. I have stolen all the other  
  
characters and I am on the run from the law. See you on the Costa Del Sol, suckers!!  
  
******  
  
This story is sponsored by Meteorite Cola. The soft drink that isn't soft!  
  
******  
  
Sarah listened at the doorway as Hilarity and her father began the interview. She  
  
seemed quite nice and intelligent but there was something strange about her the Sarah  
  
couldn't put her finger on. Toby, on the other hand, thought she was amazing. Anyone  
  
who could talk to animals was fine by him. Her thoughts were interrupted when her  
  
father appeared in the doorway.  
  
"I thought you and Toby might like to get to know Miss Dvorak properly before we  
  
make a decision." he said.  
  
She walked into the living room and sat opposite the strange girl. Toby chose to sit on  
  
the floor and play with some discarded building blocks.  
  
"Sooo, do you like the area?" said Sarah, struggling to find something to talk about.  
  
"Yeah it's nice, I haven't seen much of it though, I've only just landed." she stopped  
  
short.  
  
"Landed?"  
  
"Yeah, I've come from abroad." close one.  
  
"Cool, where are you from?"  
  
"Brighton. In England." she added hopefully.  
  
"What's it like there?" asked Sarah, trying not to sound interested even though she  
  
was. Hilarity felt cornered, luckily she had thought ahead after the surname fiasco and  
  
had swatted up.  
  
"Well, it's by the sea. There's a big tourism industry. It's full of weird, weird people.  
  
Mostly actors. It's like a mixture of Miami and Cannes but without the nice weather."  
  
Sarah giggled, against her will. "Anyway" said Hilarity "Enough about me, let's talk  
  
about this place." she gestured to her surroundings "I don't want to be any kind of  
  
authority figure here. Just think of me as the student that lives here and eats all the  
  
food." another laugh "You seem like a sensible person so I won't patronise you with  
  
curfews and stuff. If I say you can't do something you should think of it as a dare. Feel  
  
free to ask for any help with homework, revision ect."  
  
"You certainly don't sound like a child-minder."  
  
"That's because I'm really a Slovakian spy." Hilarity said with a silly accent. "No  
  
seriously though just think of me as a mate." she winked again and her eyes flashed a  
  
dazzling shade of blue. "As for this little guy." she was addressing Toby now "I will  
  
have to pick you up from playgroup, then we can have lots of fun until your folks get  
  
back. Remember what the parents don't see the kids get away with." she grinned at  
  
him and Toby grinned back. This lady was fun.  
  
******  
  
Hilarity walked back to the ship to get her things. She was hired. Toby had made sure  
  
of that. Suddenly a large white owl swooped down from a nearby tree then  
  
metamorphosised into the familiar shape of the Goblin King.  
  
"So, how did it go?" he asked impatiently.  
  
"I think she likes me." Hilarity said simply "Imagine. An alien trying to get a human to  
  
fall in love with the King of the Goblins. It sounds like a really bad fan fiction story."  
  
"What do you think of her?"  
  
"I think she's a spoilt cow. You two have a lot in common."  
  
"And the boy's an infantile little troublemaker, remind you of anyone?" Jareth made a  
  
quick comeback.  
  
"Ooooh! Touché." said Hilarity "Handbags at dawn." they laughed, all was forgotten.  
  
******  
  
"So what am I supposed to do on Earth?" whined Trin when he heard about his  
  
cousin's new job.  
  
"I don't know. Do some sight seeing I guess." shrugged Hilarity.  
  
"See what? There's nothing here." he complained.  
  
"Well, Proxima Centauri's quite close, you could go there. I hear they have a thousand  
  
storey dirt mound." she suggested.  
  
"Ooooh! That's not to be missed." Trin said sarcastically. Hilarity lost her patience.  
  
"I don't care what you do. Just as long as you don't get caught. I'll call you at midnight  
  
O.K." she left the ship with her luggage under her arm. 


	5. That stupid French postal service

Chapter 5 - That stupid French postal service  
  
Disclaimer - I only have rights to Hilarity and Trin.  
  
******  
  
Hilarity a.k.a Miss Dvorak once again repressed the urge to clear up Williams' front  
  
garden. Not only was the rose bush a mess, she noticed, but hedge needed a trim and  
  
in her opinion the geraniums needed to be uprooted and burned, they were so ugly.  
  
She realised with horror that she was turning into her father. Damn it! She tried not to  
  
think about the hedge and rang the doorbell. A rather severe looking woman opened  
  
the door. Hilarity assumed she was the mother.  
  
"Hiya," she said as cheerfully as she could muster.  
  
"You're late." the woman replied icily.  
  
"Sorry, jetlag." about four hundred light years worth. "I've only just arrived in the  
  
country."  
  
"I hope you've got a workers permit."  
  
"Course I do." said Hilarity. Another bloody complication that had taken ages to sort  
  
out. Earth was irritatingly beaurocratic for such a primitive planet. She made her way  
  
inside.  
  
"I don't mean to throw you in at the deep end, but we're going out tonight. I need you  
  
to make dinner and put Toby to bed." said the woman, her husband was putting on his  
  
coat.  
  
"OK, no probs." said Hilarity with forced politeness. "Have fun..." she waved as the  
  
parents left. She had forgotten their names already. "Miserable old witch!" she  
  
muttered as the door closed. She soon found Toby in the living room. "Hey there  
  
kiddo. Want to help me make dinner?"  
  
"Can you do it by magic?" the three year old asked gleefully.  
  
"Yeah if you like." Hilarity shrugged. If telepathy with less intelligent life-forms  
  
impressed this kid then making a few salt shakers float was bound to blow his mind.  
  
He followed her into the kitchen. "OK, what have we got here." she opened the fridge  
  
"Very little. Oh well, I guess its omelettes all round." at least she knew where she was  
  
with eggs. She juggled a few of them much to Toby's delight, then she used her mental  
  
powers to make them float and break themselves on the side of a bowl.  
  
"Wow, do it again!" said Toby clapping.  
  
"Sorry kid, it's very hard. I can only do that kind of thing once a day." This was true, it  
  
was very hard because the Zean mental powers had evolved from an emergency reflex  
  
which was very hard to control. These telekinetic powers were quite normal to  
  
Hilarity's race and were the Zean equivalent to athletics even though the heaviest  
  
weight ever lifted on the planet was a large jar of pickled lemons.  
  
"Will you teach me how to do that, and talk to animals like you did before."  
  
"OK but it's very hard and you might not be able to do it, and this needs to be our little  
  
secret. You can't tell anyone about this."  
  
"I won't tell." said Toby eagerly. Hilarity smiled, this human was kind of cute.  
  
******  
  
Sarah sat in her room. She was feeling a little confused about the new child-minder.  
  
She was determined not to like her but was finding it very hard. She just seemed so  
  
interesting. She didn't look any older than she was but her eyes gave the impression of  
  
someone a lot older. There was definitely something wrong with those eyes. Why did  
  
they keep on changing colour? Two years ago she would have thought it was a trick of  
  
the light but now after many strange experiences, she wasn't so sure. Her thoughts  
  
were interrupted by a knock on the door.  
  
"Can I come in?" said Hilarity.  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Just came to tell you that dinners ready." Hilarity's attention was drawn to a red  
  
leather bound book on the table "Ah! The Labyrinth. My cousin's got that book. He  
  
almost got lost in it." she congratulated herself on the double entendre and went  
  
downstairs.  
  
Sarah was feeling very uneasy now. What was that supposed to mean? Did she know  
  
something? The whole notion that someone else knew about the Labyrinth was  
  
shocking to say the least.  
  
******  
  
They ate dinner in silence. Sarah was too distracted by what Hilarity had said. Had  
  
this person been to the Labyrinth? Did she know the reason why she hadn't heard  
  
anything from her friends in three months? Was she a friend or a spy?  
  
"OK Toby, time for bed." Hilarity broke the silence.  
  
"But I'm not tired." he complained.  
  
"I'm sure you're not but Herself has given me my orders and if you're not in bed in five  
  
minutes flat you can forget about that bedtime story I was going to tell you." this  
  
seemed to do the trick and Toby rushed upstairs. "He's sweet, isn't he." Sarah nodded  
  
"Manon des Sources is on tonight, do you want to watch it with me after Toby's  
  
story?" she asked "There's nothing like a weepy French film to break the ice."  
  
******  
  
The two girls watched tearfully as the end credits moved down the TV screen.  
  
"Oh!" sniffed Sarah "It could have been such a happy story."  
  
"I know. Damn that stupid French postal service!"  
  
"That's the first time I've actually felt sorry for the bad guys." said Sarah.  
  
Hilarity seized this opportunity "It would be so much easier if people were either good  
  
or evil, but sadly, life just isn't like that."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"All I'm saying is that you should never judge a book by its cover." she decided to take  
  
a risk "I'm sure even Goblin Kings are all right once you get to know them." and with  
  
that she got up and went to bed.  
  
******  
  
Sarah woke up suddenly. She looked at the clock. It was exactly midnight. Her sleep  
  
had seemed dreamless until those last words that Hilarity had told began forming in  
  
her mind, getting louder and louder. She could still hear voices, closer this time, they  
  
seemed to be coming from the next room. She quietly made her way to Hilarity's room  
  
and peered through the keyhole. She stifled a gasp when she saw the strange girl  
  
talking to what looked like a 3-D projection of a seventeen year old boy.  
  
"Trin where are you?" she heard her say.  
  
"Well I took your advice and went sightseeing. I'm on this quaint little island called  
  
Ibiza."  
  
"Sounds nice. Are you having fun?"  
  
"I hate to admit it but this planet is quite cool in an ironic way."  
  
"Have I converted you then?"  
  
"Don't push it." Trin's hologram replied. "So how's the job going."  
  
"The father and the kids are all right but the stepmother's a cow! I like the little boy  
  
best. I think we have a similar mental age." both Hilarity and the hologram laughed.  
  
"Anyway, the girl's quite nice. I would introduce you if I didn't know any better."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" said Trin indignantly.  
  
"I know what you're like with the ladies, Trin. Remember what happened with my  
  
friend Kate."  
  
"Oh yeah."  
  
"I have to go now. I'll call you tomorrow. Have fun and be careful. Bye." she pressed a  
  
button and the boy vanished. This was all too much for Sarah to take in. 


	6. A Child Psychology Thing

Chapter 6 - A Child Psychology Thing  
  
Disclaimer - I only own the aliens. £2 please.  
  
******  
  
The next morning was a Saturday. Hilarity was suffering from serious jetlag and  
  
accidentally woke up at five in the morning. She was glad that Trin was enjoying  
  
himself but inwardly admitted that she felt slightly jealous. She was the one who was  
  
interested in the planet. She was the one who should be exploring and taking pictures  
  
and going to Stevie Wonder concerts, not Trin.  
  
"You're up early." said Jareth who suddenly appeared on the end of her bed.  
  
"The days are too short here. How are they supposed to get anything done if it gets  
  
dark every twelve hours?"  
  
"The days get shorter in winter." he said smugly. "And it snows occasionally."  
  
"Oh bloody hell!" she moaned "This planet sucks. And what's with the gravity thing,  
  
it's really repressive. Where are my pressure pills?" she searched in her bag and found  
  
a small bottle of white tablets.  
  
"So you're not enjoying you're stay." the Goblin King smirked. Hilarity would have  
  
hurled many a profanity at him for that but sadly she had just put a pill in her mouth.  
  
"Don't worry. You're doing great. I liked those hints you were dropping earlier."  
  
"Couldn't I just wish her away and get it over with?"  
  
"No! I want to do this properly and if you did you would have a massive guilt trip and  
  
try to save her, and you would succeed because I know what you're like. It's bad  
  
enough having one person solve your Labyrinth but two can really damage a Goblin  
  
King's reputation."  
  
"And yet the kidnapping is perfectly acceptable." Hilarity commented. "I don't think  
  
this is going to work. I'm sure she suspects something."  
  
"I'm sure you'll think of something." said Jareth and vanished before Hilarity could  
  
argue. She was beginning to think that Trin was right about something for a change  
  
which really disturbed her.  
  
******  
  
Sarah came downstairs for breakfast. Her mind was still reeling from what she had  
  
seen the night before. Her dad was reading the paper in the living room and Hilarity  
  
was playing with Toby while her stepmother made breakfast.  
  
"Come on, Tobes, eat up." said Hilarity, noticing that he hadn't touched his food. "It's  
  
porridge. Mmmmm...porridge." Toby shook his head "Look, I like it." she tried a  
  
spoonful and made a face that the three year old found very entertaining "Whoa! You  
  
could hang wallpaper with this stuff." she whispered.  
  
"Dad, have you noticed anything strange about Miss Dvorak?" asked Sarah.  
  
"She seems pretty nice to me." was her reply.  
  
"Well things aren't always what they seem." thought Sarah, this phrase brought back  
  
some painful memories. They listened to the conversation in the next room.  
  
"Can we play Here Comes the Air plane?" asked Toby.  
  
"Nah, that's too boring." said Hilarity "How about Here Comes the Inter-Continental  
  
Ballistic Missile? It's the same but I have to flick the food at you instead of giving you  
  
the spoon." she gave him an impish grin....  
  
"Well maybe she's a little unorthodox." said Sarah's father "Perhaps it's a child  
  
psychology thing."   
  
"Oh no! I'm covered in porridge!" exclaimed Toby giggling like a maniac.  
  
"Well it's better than eating it." said Hilarity covering the sticky table with a flowery napkin  
  
also in chintz she noted "Oh, Mr Wallpaper so pretty, your pattern. But watch out! Air bubble."  
  
she said to herself dreamily. 


	7. It's not what you think!

Chapter 7 - It's not what you think!  
  
Disclaimer - I own nought but the clothes I stood up in and a pair of rambunctious  
  
aliens.  
  
******  
  
Author's Note - OK it's been a little slow so far but it will get better. I promise.  
  
The text marked thus * are the home movies.  
  
******  
  
Sarah decided that she would have to find some evidence that Hilarity was from  
  
another world. She immediately seized the opportunity to snoop around when the new  
  
child-minder and Toby went out to play in the garden with Merlin. Unusually the door  
  
to her room was locked and Sarah had to force it open using her library card. The  
  
spare room was the same as it had always been except for a few details that indicated  
  
life. Hilarity had left her Chinese silk pyjamas in a heap on the floor along with the  
  
jeans she had worn yesterday. There was a thick paperback book on the bedside table  
  
titled "Crossing the Light Barrier! A History of the Early Space Pioneers" whether it  
  
was fact or fiction Sarah couldn't tell. Next to the book was a small bottle of tablets  
  
with a label that read: "Capricorn Pressure Pills - balances your body to any  
  
atmospheric pressure for maximum comfort. (always read the label before use)" she  
  
read the finer print "To find correct dosage : square root the diameter of the planet  
  
which you are located, divide by ten then round down to the nearest unit. DO NOT  
  
use while travelling faster than light speed. WARNING May cause instant death!"   
  
Things were looking weirder and weirder. Suddenly she heard a faint beeping. For a  
  
horrible moment she thought that she had set off an alarm but then noticed the small device  
  
that she had seen Hilarity using the night before. It must be some kind of  
  
communicator but she had no idea how it worked. The beeping noise stopped and a  
  
recording of Hilarity's cheery voice began.  
  
"Hiya, this is Hilarity Freak speaking. I can't come to the phone right now I am on a  
  
very important mission (probably food related) please leave a message." a hologram of  
  
a young man appeared. He reminded Sarah of Freddie from Scooby-Doo.  
  
"Hi Hils, it's Danny. I just called to see how you're coping with Earth and to say that  
  
we all miss you. I finished editing the graduation film and the after party film, so I've  
  
sent you a copy. Good luck and I'll see you soon." the image disappeared and was  
  
replaced by a 3-D film that filled the entire room and gave the illusion that it was  
  
happening for real.  
  
******  
  
*It was five minutes until the ceremony. The students were all dressed in purple and  
  
green robes (the planet's official colours) with straight mitre-like caps which were the  
  
Zean equivalent to the mortar board. Hilarity was sitting three rows from the front  
  
looking slightly nervous. Opposite them was an audience of over twelve thousand  
  
parents. A man stood up on the podium and began a talking about all the successes of  
  
the year and how Omlaphodes University had managed to become the best university  
  
in thirty star systems. Then began the epic task of handing out all seven thousand  
  
diplomas. Danny had speeded up this bit apart from his own diploma and his friends.  
  
Someone had thought it was a neat idea to play a Scott Joplin piece over the top of the  
  
speeded up parts. Then there were more speeches including an especially drippy one  
  
by a boy named Zutroy Simbidium. Danny had made a point of doing an extreme  
  
close-up of Zutroy's left nostril. Then there were poetry readings with the occasional  
  
shot of an audience member with an added thought bubble saying things like "It wasn't funny  
  
the first time you made that joke and its not funny now." or "God, I hope he doesn't recite  
  
all twelve verses. Oh! Too late!" For the finally Hilarity and some friends got up and  
  
played some Soul classics with a caption that said "Luckily the day was saved by the  
  
coolest bunch in town!" mixed in with some scenes of the group rejoicing with their  
  
parents.*  
  
******  
  
The second movie had been left mostly to itself. Danny's camera had a setting that  
  
could make it randomly follow people. They were all in a night club, spraying each  
  
other with champagne and wearing their best clothes.  
  
*"A toast! To the best days of our lives. Good riddance to them!" said Danny.  
  
Everyone cheered "And three cheers for Lars, Kate, Beau and Hilarity for the excellent  
  
tunes!" they cheered again.  
  
"Enough talk. Let's dance and get drunk." said a girl. This was met with much  
  
approval.  
  
The music was turned up and the graduates started dancing. The camera focused on  
  
each individual in turn.*  
  
Sarah was baffled by all of this. They seemed like normal students having a good time  
  
and yet they were aliens! "Why does everything happen to me?" thought Sarah.  
  
Something had blocked out the light in the doorway.  
  
"What the hell are you doing?!" screamed Hilarity.  
  
"You!" cried Sarah with terror and shock.  
  
"It's not what you think!"  
  
"What is it then?!"  
  
"OK, it's exactly what you think. Hey is that my graduation video?"  
  
The movie had carried on playing regardless to the revelations at hand.  
  
*The camera was on Hilarity now. She was looking slightly bored. Suddenly a human  
  
form appeared out of thin air. Sarah let out a gasp of recognition.  
  
"Jareth! You made it." cried Hilarity giving him a quick hug and handing him a  
  
glass of champagne.  
  
"Sorry, I couldn't make it to the ceremony."  
  
"You didn't miss much. It was majorly boring but we rocked at the end. We got  
  
everyone dancing before they got DVT!" she laughed but then looked over her  
  
shoulder nervously "Crap! It's Zutroy!"  
  
Jareth raised an eyebrow "An unwanted admirer?"  
  
"Yeah, he's been bugging me a lot recently. I think we should walk over there  
  
now."*  
  
Sarah was seriously confused now. She let out a little scream "You!! And HIM!"  
  
"I swear it's not how it looks!" said Hilarity, there was an angry pause.  
  
"You're hear to steal Toby aren't you?" Sarah was almost hysterical now.  
  
"What? No!"  
  
"Well what are you doing here then?"  
  
"Just calm down and I'll explain." said Hilarity. 


	8. Some explanations and the inevitable Gno...

Chapter 8 - Some explanations and the inevitable Gnome joke  
  
Disclaimer - I do not own any Earthlings or Labyrinth dwellers.  
  
******  
  
"It all began three months ago," Hilarity began, switching off her phone "I had just  
  
reached adulthood and I celebrated my birthday by going out with my friends and  
  
partying like it was 4499. This wasn't the best idea in the world because the morning  
  
after I was called up for jury duty. Not the best thing to do when you're hung over.  
  
Anyway, my cousin Trin had found this book called The Labyrinth under some rather  
  
suspicious circumstances I have to admit, but I wasn't really paying attention. We  
  
were fooling around and he unwittingly wished me away."  
  
"So that's how you met the Goblin King." said Sarah, fascinated by the complete  
  
impossibility of this story "What happened?"  
  
"Well Trin opted to try and save me. It was very nice of him, but stupid. By now I had  
  
abandoned all hope so I tried to get used to the idea that I was staying for good."  
  
"You must have been terrified."  
  
"I was, but I wasn't going to show it. I was mostly angry at myself for falling for such  
  
a devious trick. Anyway while Trin was being confused, tortured and generally  
  
mauled, I was having a really great time. Apparently there's a rule where Jareth isn't  
  
aloud to harm prisoners until the thirteen hours are up. For some reason, we had a lot  
  
in common and we became friends."  
  
"So did Trin save you?"  
  
"Yeah more or less. He had a bit of help. Since then, Jareth and I have been meeting  
  
up every Friday for a game of Scrabble and a drink down the pub. It's surreal I know."  
  
"Do you have any idea about what happened to Hoggle and the others? They haven't  
  
visited for months."  
  
"Ah!"  
  
"What?" Sarah was worried now. For all she knew they could have been caught and  
  
executed.  
  
"When I arrived, my ship crashed." said Hilarity her voice ridden with guilt "And  
  
Hogarth or whatever his name was just happened to be in the wrong place at the  
  
wrong time and, let's just say that Gnome ain't laughing no more."  
  
"What about Ludo?"  
  
"He fell in the Bog of Eternal Stench, I'm afraid, but he died a heroes death!"  
  
"Didymus?"  
  
"Good Lord! Look at the time, I must be going." Hilarity looked very uneasy now and  
  
was trying to look anywhere except into those green eyes staring at her angrily.  
  
"What happened?" Sarah shouted.  
  
"Trin drop kicked him in the Bog." Hilarity said very fast and squeakily.  
  
"So what are you doing here if you haven't come for Toby?" said Sarah. It was a silly  
  
question and she already knew what was coming. A small crystal dropped from the  
  
ceiling and shattered into a cloud of blue smoke from which the Goblin King  
  
emerged. It was an experimental trick but it worked quite well. There was an uneasy  
  
silence, interrupted only by the sound of Toby's voice from outside calling for his new  
  
friend.  
  
"I'll just leave you to it." said Hilarity and quickly slipped out the door.  
  
******  
  
Outside in the garden, Trin was waiting impatiently for his cousin to come out. Toby  
  
was looking at him with a vague interest. She arrived and slammed the front door  
  
behind her breathing a sigh of relief. Trin could hear shouting from the upper floors of  
  
the house. Hilarity looked upwards feeling slightly scared but then smiled as she saw  
  
the familiar face of her cousin.  
  
"Trin! You're back. How was Ibiza?"  
  
"Fantastic, those Spanish women really know how to party!"  
  
"You didn't!" she gasped.  
  
"I did."  
  
"I didn't even know that was possible. You know, with the equipment and all."  
  
"A minor challenge. So how are you doing?"  
  
"Don't ask!" said Hilarity gesturing to the torrid amount of swear words coming from  
  
the upstairs window. There was a loud crash followed by more screaming "Oh my  
  
God! She killed him." she muttered to herself jokingly, trying to calm her already  
  
frayed nerves. She then noticed that Toby was listening "Hey Tobes! Wanna see a real  
  
live space ship?" that distracted him. The three year old rushed across the lawn and  
  
expectantly grabbed her hand. "Come on Trin, lets get out of here!" 


	9. Bowie from another film

Chapter 9 - Bowie from another film  
  
Disclaimer - Je ne suis pas la proprietaire de les habitants de la Terre ou le Labyrinthe!  
  
Sorry my French sucks.  
  
******  
  
A/N This is only a short chapter. I have tonnes of homework to do. Rates of reaction,  
  
ewww!  
  
Thanks for all the nice reviews, they were very encouraging.  
  
******  
  
Jareth sat in his throne room nursing the black eye Sarah had given him. He was  
  
seriously depressed. A door swung open and made him jump with surprise when  
  
Hilarity poked her head round it.  
  
"How on Earth did you get through the Labyrinth?" he said.  
  
"Simple, I just kept to the right and followed the corners. Wow, that's a hefty shiner  
  
you've got there. Don't worry, I've heard that depth perception is highly overrated."  
  
Jareth scowled at her "I'm sorry, I should have covered my tracks better."  
  
"It doesn't matter, it wouldn't have worked anyway." he sighed.  
  
"And I'm sorry I ditched you back there. That was inexcusable."  
  
"Damn right it was." he souted "I'd forgotten about your little problem with conflict."  
  
"Well, that's me all over. I'm like mascara. I run at the first sign of negative emotion."  
  
"What am I going to do?"  
  
"How about trying my idea now." said Hilarity "You're not going to like it but it might  
  
work."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You could apologise and tell her how you feel." she said bluntly.  
  
"What difference would that make?" he growled "I tried that once and she rejected  
  
me."  
  
"So, try again. Love isn't about power games, it's about being happy. You just have to  
  
take a stab at it and hope for the best."  
  
"Well you haven't done anything about that peroxided idiot, you like."  
  
"Now, you know I don't feel that way about you....Oh you mean Danny! Sorry. When  
  
you said peroxided and idiot in the same sentence, I thought..." the joke went down  
  
like a lead balloon "Oh, come on! It was funny!" she sighed "OK I'll make you a deal.  
  
If you do this, I will phone Danny and ask him out and we'll get over our little cocktail of  
  
pride and fear. Fair?"  
  
"I suppose."  
  
"And you can always ask Trin for advice....actually no, that wouldn't be wise. What  
  
was I thinking?" she laughed.  
  
******  
  
Trin and Toby were playing on board the ship. He was under strict instructions not to  
  
fly anywhere while the kid was on board so he had to make do with showing him how  
  
the coffee machine worked. He noticed a movement outside one of the windows. For  
  
a moment he thought Hilarity had come back but realised with irritation that it wasn't.  
  
"Oh crap, it's Thomas Jerome Newton." he said out loud. There had been warnings  
  
broadcast about this individual when they had entered the solar system. He grabbed  
  
one of the emergency flares and opened the airtight hatch. "Get out of here you  
  
pathetic little lush!" he screamed and fired wildly into the air. The skinny figure  
  
retreated.  
  
"Trin! Don't patronise endangered species. Don't waste my flares, don't draw attention  
  
to yourself someone might report us and don't look at me like that." said Hilarity who  
  
had reappeared next to him. That muchkin king person was with her. Trin scowled.   
  
Old wounds were being reopened.  
  
"Come on dude." said Hilarity, picking up Toby and walking down the ship's ramp  
  
"Let's get you home." 


	10. Beef binges

Chapter 10 - Beef binges  
  
Disclaimer - I own nothing....Damn my Argentinean bank account! I though that  
  
hyperinflation was a good thing!  
  
******  
  
A/N A very quick chapter here. Yet another essay demands my attention. It's religion  
  
and the media this time. 8-X Anyway this one is nearly finished but yet another crap  
  
sequel has sprung to mind.  
  
******  
  
Sarah lay on her bed. Her face warming the damp patch her tears had made. Why did  
  
he have to come back? It had taken two years for her to get over the trauma of his first  
  
visit. How on Earth was she going to tell her parents this? She could imagine how  
  
well that would sound. "Hey dad! I wished Toby away to a magical kingdom a few  
  
years back and now the King of the Goblins had returned here with an alien sidekick  
  
posing as a half British, half Slovakian child-minder." They would probably cart her  
  
away. There was a knock at the door.  
  
"Is it safe?" said Hilarity's voice.  
  
"I guess so." the alien cautiously entered the room. She was followed by a the young  
  
boy Sarah had seen on the hologram phone who was giving Toby a piggyback.  
  
"I just wanted to apologise for my behaviour and for all the unnecessary psychological  
  
damage I may have cause you and your family." said Hilarity.   
  
"I don't blame you." said Sarah "When you think about it there is no good way of  
  
explaining that kind of thing."  
  
"And I'm sorry for stealing all your beef!" said Trin suddenly.  
  
Hilarity stared at him with confusion "What?"  
  
"I just wanted to be part of the moment." said Trin.  
  
"Where does beef come from?" said Toby.  
  
"Cows." replied Hilarity.  
  
"How do cows make beef? Is it magic?"  
  
"Er Yeah." said Hilarity not wanting to go into detail "It's called the power of  
  
Moodoo!" she grinned at the pun she had remembered from Weebl and Bob.  
  
"Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Jareth would like to speak to you."  
  
"I think I've made it very that I don't want to talk to him." said Sarah angrily.  
  
"I know. You throw a large book at someone and they still don't get the message." said  
  
Hilarity with touch of empathy as she had been in a similar situation with Zutroy. In  
  
fact she had thrown the same book. "However, listening isn't much to ask."  
  
******  
  
Trin had locked himself in the bathroom for over an hour. He let out a little scream of  
  
pain.  
  
"I told you not to go on those beef binges." said Hilarity from outside the door.  
  
"You're system's not used to it."  
  
"A laxative! Get me a laxative!" he shouted.  
  
"Oh no! You're on your own mate."  
  
Trin groaned with frustration "So how's it going out there?"  
  
"What's it to you?"  
  
"I'm just nosy that's all."  
  
"Oh yeah, like when you stayed up all night watching Mexican soap operas." she  
  
laughed at the memory of catching her cousin out "It's unusually quite in there. I think  
  
that's a good sign."  
  
"Aren't you listening at the door?"  
  
"Well, no because I'm here aren't I. It's Toby's shift."  
  
"Why do you always get little kids to do your dirty work?"  
  
"I'll pretend I didn't here that. I was thinking if this all works out we could take a trip  
  
to Cuba before we go home."  
  
"What's so special bout Cuba?"  
  
"I want to study the music while the Buena Vista Social Club are still alive." 


	11. Happy Ending or is it?

Chapter 11 - Happy Ending...or is it?  
  
******  
  
Disclaimer - I own nothing. Hilarity and Trin have emancipated themselves and have  
  
demanded I pay them £100000 in compensation.  
  
A/N - OK guys. This is the last chapter of this story. I will be writing yet another  
  
sequel some time this week. Please review.  
  
******  
  
No sound had come from Sarah's room for half an hour.   
  
"What's happening?" asked Trin urgently while fiddling with his belt buckle. "Did I  
  
miss anything?"  
  
"No. Right after he said he loved her it all went quite. My guess is that either one of  
  
them's dead or they're playing a few rounds of tonsil tennis."  
  
"Must you call it that? It really is childish."  
  
"Shhh! Something's happening!" whispered Hilarity. "I heard movement." Trin  
  
pressed his ear to the door then received a big shock when it opened in his direction.  
  
"Ow! My head!" he shouted.  
  
"Serves you right for being nosy." said Hilarity and laughed. Toby also found this  
  
incredibly funny and started giggling. That kid was so easily entertained.  
  
Sarah and Jareth stood in the doorway looking slightly embarrassed.  
  
"So, what's happening?" Trin demanded again.  
  
"Sarah and I have decided to give things a try." said Jareth. "Only we'll be taking  
  
things slowly, of course."  
  
"Oh that's great!" said Hilarity "And that's the best thing to do in my opinion. No point  
  
in rushing." It was really a lovely moment. "Come on, Trin. Last one to Havana is a  
  
Muppet. You guys can come too if you want."  
  
"Sounds great, but haven't you forgotten something?" said Jareth giving her an evil  
  
smile.  
  
"Oh yeah! Sun cream. Thanks mate."  
  
"No."  
  
"OK, OK, I'll call him."  
  
"No. That's too easy. Which is why I've brought him here." said Jareth triumphantly  
  
and a tall man bearing a strong physical resemblance to Freddie from Scooby-Doo  
  
materialised on the landing.   
  
"Where the heck am I?" he said. "Is this like that dream I had where I was having  
  
breakfast with Elvis?" Hilarity looked at him nervously.  
  
"Hi Danny. Er...I've got something important to tell you and I thought it would be  
  
better if you were here in person. The thing is, I've had this crush on you for quite a  
  
long time now and I was wondering if you'd like to go out some time."  
  
"Well, sure Hils. Why didn't you say so?" he gave her a dazzling smile.  
  
"Just nervous I guess." she replied and he gave her a hug. "We're all going to Cuba  
  
now. Do you want to come?..."  
  
******  
  
And so they all spent their last afternoon together in the city of Havana. Daydreaming  
  
in the sunshine and playing a few rounds of overly competitive dominoes while  
  
drinking copious amounts of rum and tequila. Hilarity learned a few new piano  
  
techniques from an ageing master while Toby danced like a lunatic and he soon  
  
became the life of the party. It was a magical day and nobody wanted it to end. When  
  
it finally did end Hilarity, Trin and Danny waved a tearful goodbye and the silver ship  
  
zoomed away into twilight sky.  
  
******  
  
"OK Hilarity. You've converted me." said Trin "Earth is pretty cool."  
  
"I can't wait to plan my next visit." said Hilarity "I think I'll give Prague a try next  
  
time. Plus I promised Toby I'd come back and see him." she stopped short when she  
  
noticed the cabin had an extra resident.  
  
"Oh no! It's Thomas Jerome Newton again." cried Trin with annoyance "He must have  
  
followed us. Stop the ship, there must be an asteroid we can leave him on."  
  
"No let's keep him." said Danny.   
  
"He's a menace." cried Trin "He keeps trying to steal my gin!"  
  
"But he's so sweet." said Hilarity "And he's the last of his species, you can't get cooler  
  
than that." They argued about it for the next hundred light years until the sun became  
  
an ordinary spec of light that could hardly be seen among the other stars. Their trip  
  
had ended but the adventure was bound to continue.... 


End file.
